Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
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Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.