[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
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I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
A great tip. #CakeRex
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.