#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
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This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler