Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?