I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
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I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.