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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Breaking news:
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life