why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Stonehinge
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.