If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
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Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.