Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
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Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Don’t touch that.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My flabber has been gasted.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer