Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
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[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Admin smashed it 😂
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.