I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
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Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
doing some research
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god