Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
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Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Who does Amazon think I am?
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
The French cow says MEUX…
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
the answer was staring at me all along
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.