*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
wishing you and yours all the best
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.