Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
We need to put an American base on the sun
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH