[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
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It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave