Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
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If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
this will hang in the louvre one day
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.