iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
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If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I finally found a reason to live again.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.