me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.