90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
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Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
socratic questions
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
How I’d get arrested…
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go