How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
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1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.