a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
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[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
No regrets in 2018
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
😎 🍻
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.