Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal