If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
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My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black