This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
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Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails