I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
January has been Januweary
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.