Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
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Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.