Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
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A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.