My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
You Might Also Like
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
i’m laughing very hard in real life
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.