Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
You Might Also Like
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!