[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
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gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
🤣
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie