The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
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If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.