I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?