Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
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They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Yes, this is exactly right
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG