Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
You Might Also Like
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
True.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬