we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
You Might Also Like
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
what’s really going on
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age