this is funnier than any friends episode
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All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.