These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
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Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
is there nothing we can trust anymore
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
*pokes sex life with a stick
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel