Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
You Might Also Like
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home