Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
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[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The news in a nutshell.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.