My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
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Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
#winning
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
PLEASE READ
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper