My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
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I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
😂😂
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.