Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
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In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.