Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
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If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.