People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
You Might Also Like
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
There’s no “us” in nachos.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets