every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
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I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??