The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
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This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?