Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
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I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
(Gaming support cat.)