Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.