During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?