Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
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I love the honesty
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
#Caturday
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.